Chapter 36: Tinderland Presents: A Field Guide to How to Train Your Dragon

Dust of War and Stardust (or: Return to Tinderland)

For a long time now, my words about "Tinderland" have been sitting in a drawer, gathering dust in another reality. This paralyzing war has sent us all huddled together in our homes, hiding under blankets (or inside the barracks), and has turned concepts like "first date" into something that belongs to the Stone Age, or at least to the prehistoric era that preceded the incessant news.

Who even remembers how to dress for a night out, when home clothes became our official uniform? Who can think of small talk in a dark bar, when the heart is on alert for every alarm?

But right now, in this tense silence, I felt like I had to refresh my concepts. To take my "Tinderland days" musings out of the attic, shake off the soot, and share them with you again. It may sound disconnected, but perhaps this is actually the best preparation for the "post-war" days. The days when we will come out into the light again, take a deep breath, and return to seeking connection, closeness, and maybe even a little good old-fashioned human drama.

So before we get back to the real battlefield, let's get the breed specifier sorted. Because with all due respect to the missiles, the dragons of Tinderland are still a beast that you need to know how to tame.

How to Train Your Dragon Field Guide

From: The Hidden, a zoologist of free-contact primates

Okay, girls, let's put the cards on the table. We stopped looking for princes on white horses around the same time we realized that white horses are mostly a lot of maintenance and the smell of a stable. Today, when we open the app, we don't enter a fairy tale, we enter "Jurassic Park."

And in this episode of "The Natural World," we'll learn how to deal with the most common creature in Tinderland: the dragon (Maleus Datingus). They come in all sizes, with all kinds of "fire," and everyone is convinced that they're at least Khaleesi's pet dragon. Before you try to tame one, you must identify the species. Here's the updated definition:

Part 1: The Tinderland Species Guide

1. The Dragon on Standby (Or: The Dragon Disguised as a Lizard)

In Tinderland, there’s a specific breed of men we can call "The Dragon on Standby." This is the guy who uses you as a "gas station" for his self-esteem. He’ll arrive slouched, looking a bit lost, making you want to "adopt" him and listen to all his troubles. But the moment his tank is full, he suddenly remembers he’s a dragon, becomes filled with a sense of superiority, and flies off with a breath of fire toward his next destination.

2. The Ice Dragon (The Freshly Divorced/Separated)

He looks promising in photos, but the first date is essentially a mediation session without a lawyer. He’ll tell you E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G about his "monster ex" and how "emotionally available" he is (he’s not). His fiery breath is mostly just cold bitterness toward the institution of marriage.

3. The Ancient Dragon (The Entrenched Bachelor)

He’s lived in the same apartment since the '90s. His photos were (likely) taken on film. He’s an expert in theories about why every woman he’s met to date has been "too complex." His scales fossilized long ago; taming him is an archaeological project, not a romantic one.

4. The Chameleon Dragon (The Professional Hunter)

Perfect photos, polished opening lines. He’s always on a business trip and always tries to schedule a "spontaneous drink" with you at 11:00 PM. He’s not a pet dragon; he’s a predator. His "fire" only comes after he’s gotten what he wanted—a smoke cloud of ghosting.

Part 2: Advanced Training Techniques

Now that you've identified, how do you train? Here are some methods that have worked (or not):

1. Ego Manipulation: Dragons are creatures with huge egos. Tell them they're brilliant, they're interesting. It buys you time to see if there's really anything there beyond the smoke.

2. The "naked" truth test: When you feel like someone is trying to sell you a story, ask a direct and sensitive question, honestly and honestly: "Do you really buy what you're selling?" The silence that follows will tell you everything.

3. The "not-on-the-roof" method: Don't be anyone's default. No woman really enjoys sitting on the roof alone in the shadows while her dragon jungles its life.

4. Self-Disclosure Date: Offer your dragon the ultimate challenge: one date without any of the posturing, excuses, and lies. Just meet with their own truth. Try it, it's purifying (and will usually drive them away in seconds).

And a little anecdote to finish:

While writing about dragons and training, I noticed an interesting phenomenon: almost all of the scolding comments I receive on the blog and in Messenger come from men. Not a single woman felt the need to protest or claim that I am superficial.

I'm trying to understand what triggered this need in them to stand on their hind legs, to come up with explanations and excuses, and to wrap themselves in this big word, "complexity." Maybe because the simple truth, when laid out like this naked and without a pose, is a little too dazzling.

I can actually understand this twirling. Really. Life is not black and white, and sometimes this juggling between worlds, between commitment and excitement, between home and shadows, is their way of holding on, not falling apart, of feeling alive amidst an abrasive routine. It's an art of emotional survival that requires a lot of energy, and it's very easy to use the concept of "complexity" when someone from the outside is trying to summarize everything in one blog post.

But maybe, just maybe, this standing on its hind legs is not just defensiveness, but a kind of call to acknowledge their difficulty. The difficulty of being the "dragon" who always has to show strength, while inside they are just soft and in need of love, trying to find some peace or approval.

So I'm not judging, really not. I'm just suggesting that you take the bullets out of the air for a moment, stop babbling, and just look inside. Honestly. Without the learned excuses about the types of traitors and fakes. Just meet with yourself for one moment of truth. Try it, it's really purifying.

So what do you say? Who was the last dragon you collected and did he become a prince or did he just stay a lizard with a pose?

Chapter 36: Tinderland Presents: A Field Guide to How to Train Your Dragon