Chapter 34: A Drug with Deadly Side Effects: On the Illusion of Omnipotence
My journey through "Tinderland" and the pages of this blog has given me countless interactions, but recently something has changed in frequency. One day they just came. The fakes. Tinderland has donned a new guise, Fakeland. I find myself in deep Messenger conversations with married men who choose to lay their cards on the table right away. They are not crooks. The crooks who hide the fact that they are married are not at all relevant to this discussion. The ones in front of me are honest. They declare their status in the very first messages, thus forcing me to delve deeper into the issue, to examine my old axioms like "I would never have an affair with a married man" and to try to understand what is really going on there, within this complex dynamic of shadows.
It's important for me to clarify. Everything described in this chapter is rubbing against but has not yet happened in my physical reality. But it certainly preoccupies me when the dilemma arises in full force. I am a woman mature enough and experienced enough to recognize that the lover trap becomes a tangible option where you express your need for new love. And I want to understand it deeply, before I get carried away and lose my identity in it.
These words were written primarily for my own attention, and less for my readers. I should have placed them in front of me as a warning sign.
These conversations made me wonder. What draws you, a smart and sharp woman, to this path? And what is the price you really pay for it, even when the whole truth is laid out on the table in the first "Seen"?
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The Path of Temptation and Willful Blindness
The path to the world of secrets always begins with that alluring temptation. You're talking to a man who amazes you, charismatic, captivating, someone who knows exactly what to say to shake something inside. He's married, and he offers emotional connection or temporary pleasure.
At that moment, your "voluntary blindness" mechanism is activated. An internal lie that is easily sold. You convince yourself that you are capable of managing the emotion, that you "can handle it," that you can enjoy the fire without getting burned. It is a defense mechanism that obscures the known pain that awaits you at the end.
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The trap of bilateral omnipotence
This is where cruel omnipotence comes in, and it plays a double and dangerous role. On his part, there is the illusion that he is "omnipotent." He is sure that he is able to manage two worlds at the same time, maintain the framework and also enjoy the side without hurting anyone. He convinces himself that he is giving you moments of kindness, while in reality he is using you as a "cure" for the frustrations of his life, the burnout, the boredom or the loneliness within his "togetherness."
On your part, a different kind of omnipotence develops, no less seductive. The belief that you will be the one to defeat the fate of the "lover." You convince yourself that you will succeed in becoming the real woman in his life, the one who will make him realize that he is living a lie. You are sure that the connection between you is so powerful that he simply will not be able to continue to keep you as the "other woman." This is the fantasy of complete victory. The moment when he will fall in love with you so much that he will give up the world of shadows and bring you to the forefront.
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Reality that shatters in the face of fantasy
This omnipotence is a sophisticated self-deception, because it makes you polish the dishes in someone else's theater, while you are convinced that you are in the dress rehearsal for the leading role of your life. But the reality is that the asymmetry is not a "bug" in the system, it is the software itself.
The price is taken from you every day, in the smallest and most humiliating moments, the ones you tend to suppress in the name of the "special connection" created through words.
This is where the structural misunderstanding between Venusian women and Marsian men comes in. Intuition on the ground tells a clear story: most seekers of the "extra" are men, and the mechanism that motivates them is completely different from what you imagine. While you tend to pour emotion and meaning into the relationship, for him it is often a mechanism of "drawers". He is able to separate the home from the excitement outside, without one side threatening the other. This gap is a trap. You are looking for love that will change the world order, and he is looking for an instrument that will improve his existing world. This happens when you become instrumental, a tool designed to serve a specific need such as respite, excitement, a listening ear, while you are forced to make do with "stolen time."
Love needs oxygen and space, and the shadows only have the pressure that the conversation will end before anyone notices, before his phone vibrates with a message from home that will suddenly bring him back to a reality where you don't exist.
The heaviest price comes at the end of the day. When he returns to his frame, you are left to go to sleep alone in oppressive silence.
The fantasy of being "the one" is shattered by the simple fact that he's not there to turn off the light with you. Your life becomes a series of waiting. You forgo social events just to be "available" in case he has an hour's window of time. In this dizziness, you lose your sovereignty. You're no longer the heroine leading the plot, but a supporting character waiting in the background in case the main actor decides to grant her a few moments of grace.
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From dizziness to sovereignty
Awakening from this dynamic is a process of disillusionment from the dizziness and belief in an impossible “victory.” This is the moment when you realize that the price of trying to become the “most important woman” in an unavailable man’s life is giving up your own importance in your own life. Choosing to retreat is not surrender, but sovereignty. It requires a space where you can stand with your head held high.
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Important footnote
Of course, all of this analysis is irrelevant to those of us who are looking for something else. There are women, married or single, who are looking for a one-time fling, a purely physical adventure, a listening ear and attention. They do not need or seek full emotional love within this relationship. And that is perfectly fine. There is no moral judgment here. Each person is entitled to write their own rules of the game, as long as they are agreed upon by both parties. The problem only begins when there is a gap between the expectation of total love and the limited reality of the "shadows."
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Return to the forefront
This path may seem glamorous at first, but a person who truly values you will not ask you to wait in the shadows or fight for your place. For me, as an observer, there is nothing more powerful than a woman breaking free from the shackles of this imaginary omnipotence. When you stop trying to be someone else's "cure" or the "winner" of a losing battle, you simply return to being the sole heroine of your life. Alone perhaps, but with complete control and a peace of mind that no moment of stolen "kindness" can match.
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I finished writing, and my throat is choked. No jokes, no filters. Did I dig? Maybe. But for someone who is looking for her heart amidst all this chaos, love is the most relevant topic there is. So the 'beautiful and the brave' who have already found and are married, in love, this time don't respond. This is simply not the time for your dilemmas.
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